HOW GOOD CAN YOU STAND IT? Are you afraid to be all of you?

HOW GOOD CAN YOU STAND IT? Are you afraid to be all of of you?

Aloha MM’s,

Well, you’ll be pleased to know I'm not sending this from the public library. I haven’t had to train my Ninja Ginger fur children Leo Ray Jr. and the horror child Mr. Beaumont to sing and dance on the pavement, while I rattle a tin cup. This, admittedly is an unlikely scenario—I’d never get Leo to agree to it. And Mr. Beaumont would spend his whole time giving me puzzled looks, “Why are we doing this again, Mum?”

And really, that seems to be the whole theme of what’s going on for me and other metaphysicians right now.

Why are we doing this? Is this REALLY, REALLY, I mean, REALLY, are you bloody sure, this is REALLY what we want to do? And it’s about that irritating to do as well as read that last piece, I’m sure. LOL.

It reminds me of the line from Dirty Dancing. “Don’t put your heel down.” I feel like that at the moment. Like I’m walking across a tightrope, high above Niagara Falls, the water thundering and exploding beneath me, while I walk across on the thinnest piano wire possible, doing the best balancing act in the world.

If this was just happening to me, I’d think I had some ghastly belief system on board about doing things the hard way. But it’s happening to other mets. as well.

What we seem to be being asked to do is not only trust and have enormous amounts of faith, but also be so precise in what we want—it almost seems life and death. One wrong move ½ a millimeter (yes, we don’t even get inches on this one) and we plunge over the side into the abyss.

And it’s not the Guides or the Universe being nasty and mean. It seems to go with a global awareness or awakening that’s going on for everyone. We’re being asked, 

“What do you REALLY want in your soul? Deep down in the very depths of your being.”

Not the ‘nicey’ stuff, like, “I’d quite like to move to France once day.”

But the gut wrenching, if you didn’t have this happen, your life might cease to exist stuff. I know that sounds dramatic, but this has a particular feel to it. Really do-or-die stuff.

Do you REALLY want that job as a flight attendant or travel consultant? Or actually…would you soul REALLY want to lead Alpaca tours across southwest Istanbul, on an all meat, champagne and orange juice culinary adventure. Ya what?  

See, this is what I mean. It’s not piddly ‘easy’ decision stuff. It seems to require great dredging up of the DEEPEST desires you can possibly have in your soul and doing that.

And here’s the thing: If you don’t do that, the whole kit and caboodle stops turning, moving and grooving for you. Just stops. It doesn’t slow down. It stops DEAD.

On Tuesday, you’re powering ahead. By Wednesday lunchtime, the whole thing’s a dead duck in the water. It reminds me of driving across in the dead of winter once from Michigan to California. We got caught in three snow storms and got ‘shut down’ a lot on the highways. We had to come through from Winslow, AZ through to Kingman. A hundred mile journey took us five hours…

And every inch of that road had to negotiated. It was so unpredictable. We stopped, we started. We got out of the truck and literally skated on ice. The highway patrol had to call the cinder truck out to get grit down on the road, so we could move. Big trucks were holed up. They had to roll back onto their chains and pray that when they put the brakes on, they stopped. We crawled along on the icy snow laden roads. Twenty miles an hour was about our top speed.

Most of us stayed in the convoy of trucks, slowly making our way along, hauling Grandma (1^st or one of the very low gears for the big trucks.) Every so often, someone would get fed up with the whole process and pull out, plowing past us all. We’d then pass him, stopped in the middle of the road. He’d hit what looked like a snow drift and stopped DEAD. The snow drift had iced in the night and become solid ice. It was like hitting a concrete wall.

This is what this feels like.

One wrong move and you’re toast. Martha Beck once likened it to a client she'd had who'd been caught in a thunderstorm on a high ridge in the dark. He literally had to put one foot in front of the other and TRUST he was being looked after, to get himself down. One wrong move either way and he would have plummeted to his death over the edge.

So, why is it being like this? No, it’s not the Guides idea of extreme exercise or the Hunger Games. Although it certainly feels that way.  Nor are they amusing themselves just to piss us off.

We seem to be being taught to trust, have faith and above all else—not put our heel down. In other words, no second best, no ‘it’ll do for now’ choices or ‘this would be a good move, even if not the right one ultimately’ stuff.

Is this what you REALLY want? One hundred percent, not an ounce of conflict in your soul. If yes, it’s a go. If no, it’s hit that concrete snow wall. You’re stopped dead. You can’t settle even slightly. The energy just won’t take it.

We’re being asked to be every piece of our authentic soul that we can possibly be.

Do you really want to teach people metaphysics? Well…it would be okay. NO. That’s out. The classes you have planned, never get a single person enrolling. Do you really want to write about being a pantser writer because it might make you a wee bit of money until you get your heart and soul writing off the ground? It would make me a bit of money you think. Despite the fact you feel slightly icky and panicky when you write it. NO. That’s out. You think about moving down the coast for a change of pace. What you really want to do is move home to Hawai’i. But this would be good in the meantime. NO. That’s out. NOTHING happens to make that a go.

And on it goes…

I am finding this absolutely infuriating. I only have to move something ½ a millimeter and the whole energy platform crashes and burns.

Years ago, when my twin soul Donnie still had his business, he was going mad with the whole thing. He’d had a million signs he was in the wrong life, but he kept plowing on. It didn’t matter what he did with his business, the whole thing just wouldn’t do its thing. And he’d always been really successful. He said to his mum, “It’s as if I’m supposed to fail.” In fact, that was exactly what was happening. The Universe did it darnedest to get him out of a life that no longer worked for him. That wasn’t his heart and soul. No matter which way he turned, it all fell over. Soul survival—not soul sabotage.

So there’s two ways you can do this. The easy way or the very, very, oh my god, are you serious, just shoot me now way.

The hard way is resisting things at every step of the way. But I’ve been getting these signs for a year! Why the hell would I change horses now? Because you need to. That’s the short answer. And it’s a non-answer. I can’t work out whether I’m changing so fast, that the direction is changing. Or I’m working my way through a ‘culling process.’

When I used to shoot stock photography, you might start off with say a thousand transparencies. When you put them up on the projector or light box, the majority of them look good. You cull out a few that are obviously not right. The light’s wrong, frame’s out, doesn’t feel right, boring etc.

You’re now down to 853.

You wander off and have a break. You come back and go through them again. You start comparing similar shots side by side. No, that’s gone, the angle’s slightly different, or this one intuitively feels better. You’re now down to 622.

This process keeps going until eventually you might end up with 50 or so PERFECT shots. Composition, lighting, color, action, feel—everything is perfect.

And these are the only transparencies you keep in your portfolio for that shoot.

If you then go back and look at the other transparencies, you’ll be tempted to put some of them back in, but there was something minutely ‘off’ about them and you must leave them in the ‘do not use,’ pile.

This is what this is like.

We’re looking for the PERFECT shot for our soul.

No more ‘amateur’ photography piccies. No more, but it’s ‘still fun,’ shots. It is that precise at the moment.

And if you step off that path by a millimeter, you’re OFF path. The energy stops dead. 

So, the feedback you’re getting is also precise, fast and on. You’ll know within a few days if you’ve wandered again. You have to adjust back on path. And it seems to go on.

So anything that you don’t want to do, even by a fraction, it simply doesn’t work.

Things have sped up, gotten more intense. I don’t know why, but everyone’s feeling it.

So what does my soul want to do? I think…and I say this guardedly, because I keep thinking I DO know what I bloody well want, only to keep hitting that ice wall. I think…(stay tuned, on Friday, it will have changed…or not…please let that be the case!) 

I think…I want to go home to Hawai’i to live and write my romance books that I absolutely love writing. And I have a man I’ve been in love with for a while that seems like the maddest craziest thing out there, but well, I want him. He’s lovely. 

So…here’s the deal. It sounds very PERFECT. 

It would push me on some levels, but not in an awful way. More in a, you have to be true to yourself way. You have to authentic. You have to show up. Only do what calls to you. Forget the obligations. The guilty ‘visits’ to people who you really don’t need in your life. Forget the conformity. Other people’s opinions, ideas, ways of living and doing things.

This is it.

Am I willing to be me? All of me?

I know on a gut level, the answer is yes. And some of the ‘being me’ means that some of the parts of me that are here now, will have to disappear. Because they’re the obligation/guilt/my ‘public persona’ parts of me.

I own an extremely large brown leather Bernhardt couch. I’ve had it for years. When I first got my money, I wanted that couch with all my being. I was so happy when I bought it. Now I feel like I’m being disloyal on some level wanting to let it go. But it doesn’t call to me anymore. Trying to shed these old ‘skins’ of myself is harder than I thought it’d be. I used to be good at this stuff. I sold three bookcases the other week and again, I had a slightly hard time with it. But now I don’t miss them. I feel free. 

They were brown. I like white bookcases.

And this funny old me/new or the real me/ stuff is my hardest thing in a way. I keep feeling like I’m popping back and forth between a portal. And the two sides are so different, it’s not even funny.

I feel like I’m trying to shed an old skin, wriggling out of it and it grasps me tightly every so often.

I am explaining this all very badly, but it has been one of the hardest concepts to put into words for me. My old self feels I should have hung onto the brown bookcases. They were ‘nice’ and ‘wooden’ and ‘matched.’ My other self wants white bookcases. Or black teak. I also love Chinese furniture. It soothes me.

My old self says I should hang onto the leather couch. It’s a Bernhardt. It’s leather. It’s big. It’s classy. And all the other rubbish that self says.

My new self wants my tropical floral wicker couch that’s been in wrapped in moving paper for three years now. The one with one of the cushions shredding at a seam. The one with the bright orange trumpet flowers on it and tropical green leaves on the black background that looks lovely with my Chinese altar and cabinet. That’s more feminine. But my big cat Beau won’t be able to drape on it. I will find him a large feather pillow for the arm.

You see…this is the stuff that is, in a way, ridiculous.

But the subtleties in this on a very deep level are what is going on for me.

And if you can follow any of this, you’re doing jolly well. I’m having a hell of a time explaining this. But it’s almost so organic, that I can’t put solid form to it.

The truth is: I’m afraid to step into the ME I really want to be. A much freer, less confined, less ‘grown up’ version of who I seem to be now.

Despite knowing it’s the ONLY thing my soul is asking me to do right now.

I feel slightly like that scene in ‘Love Actually’ where Colin Firths character arrives at the door of his relatives for Christmas and everyone’s excited to see him. Then he says, in a puzzled voice, something like, “Actually…no…I have to go.” And you see it’s just occurred to him that there is something much bigger he needs to be doing with his life. They’re all rather put out. But he’s on a mission. That’s how I feel. I’m on a mission to find my right life.

“Actually…no…I have to go…”

Are you in the same boat?

Leave a comment please. I’d love to hear about other people’s soul paths right now. Aloha to the brave metaphysicians out there doing this walk. I hear you!

Aloha and great care for the emerging tender butterflies that are trying to come out of the cocoons right now. Meg J